Sad as it seems...

I received some bad news yesterday. It turns out the pregnancy is tilting towards a bad prognostic outcome. Ultrasound results showed that I was indeed pregnant (gestational sac present), however no fetus could be detected. I was told to come back in another week for another checkup to double check.

To be honest, I felt really disappointed that the pregnancy was not going as smoothly as expected. After all, I have been feeling nauseated and lethargic. And the thought of growing a baby inside of me kinda outweigh those horrible symptoms. But now, knowing that that might not be happening, it kinda multiplies the nausea, lethargy and depressed mood 10 times more. Worse is I am in the phase where I have to wait one week before results are confirmed and further actions can be done to solve the problem.

Inside my head, a part of me questions God why does this have to happen to me? Another part of me believes that this is all part of God's plan and He will provide the best solution. It would also really not be the optimal case scenario if the fetus, that was too weak to remain in the womb, persisted to grow inside of me. I have heard such situations before on social media and the family might feel like they make the right decision at first, but regretted later on to let the child live a suboptimal life for the rest of their lives. I know this is sensitive topic and it touched on our moral values and question human rights etc. At the end of it all, it depends on the country you're in if it allows abortion in such cases and the decision is fully subjective and individualised to the involved subject. Even I myself would not claim I have a straightforward answer to the issue, but I believe God will provide me with wisdom to decide on what I can live in peace with for the rest of my life.

Still today I have been feeling nauseated although less that yesterday. Still I am not in the mood to cook. Still I am eating instant noodles to get by with the nausea. I have no idea why this sinful junk food has been helping me so much with nausea. I seriously have no appetite for anything else except Indomie and the stock for it at home is slowly reducing to 0.

In a way I feel bad for my husband for not being able to cook for his meals due to my nausea. As for our baby boy, I am doing the best I can, despite my own physical needs, to accommodate for his needs and feelings. At the same time, I am feeling rather down and hope the nausea will soon cease.

Til here for now. More updates when the next check-up comes. *fingers crossed*